The ABC’s of Life After Divorce

Title:  The ABC’s of Life after Divorce

Author:  Michael James

I never imagined that my first marriage would have ended in divorce. I was raised in a pentecostal, hand-clapping, foot stomping, tongue talking, bible believing church and a God-fearing home with amazing parents who successfully navigated 52 years of holy matrimony literally til death did them part.. On one hand I am extremely blessed to have had this Christian foundation and such a stellar example of marriage to admire. On the other hand my background has made it all the more arduous to digest and accept that my first marriage had ended. 

What would I do now I wondered? An ordained minister of the gospel now divorced. Does God still love me and look favorably on me? I thought, “will I ever date again?” Will I be viewed as damaged or damaged goods? Is my ministry now tainted by this proverbial smear? These w

ere real questions I had swirling in my cranium. I sought out counseling and coaching sessions to help me navigate the emotional tidal waves I was experiencing and craft a path forward.

This experience of life after divorce has deepened my understanding of God’s love in more ways than I could comprehend prior to divorce. Much of my sense of righteousness had come from “things” I hadn’t done as opposed to all that Christ had given me apart from my works. I had to allow the Holy Spirit to educate me on what righteousness really meant. 

Today’s blog entry is designed to give you some concrete steps that will help you navigate forward after the trauma of divorce. In the world of counseling and psychology this modality is referred to as Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) designed by Albert Ellis.

It was during my first term in graduate school that I learned this particular counseling theory. It’s as if I could hear God speaking to me. (REBT) utilizes the first 5 letters of the alphabet to outline the steps we must all recognize in efforts to break cycles of our emotional roller coasters. You see first is the letter “A” which stands for-The Activating Event. For me it was the divorce. That was my activating event along with walking out of the Fulton county courthouse with tear-filled eyes. I drove home that day with such a heavy heart of grief as if someone I knew my entire life died.

As traumatic as our activating events are, we haven’t yet discussed the most powerful elixir that really and truly shakes our world. The magic elixir is the “B” Belief system. Our belief system is what gives our activating events the power, the meaning, the narrative that shapes our lives and actions. What I couldn’t see years ago right away was that I had a certain belief system about divorce fueled by my pentecostal background that had me creating a narrative about how God felt about me. This narrative was debilitating in many ways. I would try to move forward but emotionally at times I felt as if God were out to get me and sabotage my chances at love. This takes us into the “C” Consequence. 

Consequently my emotional state had me terrified. I ended multiple relationships because of my unresolved narratives in my head which disrupted my peace and had me assuming things wouldn’t work out.

The “D” stands for Dispute and is the turning point in the (REBT) model. Albert Ellis in his RET theory stresses that we all have some rational and irrational beliefs that must be addressed and disputed. I found myself confronting and disputing the idea that “I would never find love again” or “God’s grace wouldn’t cover divorce, so why attempt at love again?”. We all have these beliefs and they must be disputed. God’s word became my fuel for this part. I begin to look for instances in scripture where grace was shown to individuals; (Woman with the issue of blood, woman caught in the act of adultery, Blind Bartimaeus, Noah and his family of 8). 

What about you, what irrational beliefs are you entertaining that need to be disputed? Where do you draw your fuel from to combat these thoughts of scarcity and limiting beliefs? 

The fifth and final letter is “E” and stands for effect. There will always be a new effect when we challenge our old paradigms of thought. New fruit comes from new paradigms. New emotions, new consequences and new seasons are results of us acknowledging that our future will not be identical to our past! Do you know your ABC’s today? What triggered you initially? What belief syste

m do you need to address? What narrative might you need to change? What emotions are currently dominating your life? It’s time you address these ABC’s and live out your dreams even after divorce. I’m now happily married with a beautiful baby girl and the CEO of 3D Value, a company dedicated to counseling and coaching people on the other side of divorce. I can honestly say that God never turned his back on me but has instead enlarged my knowledge of His unfailing love.